Monkey Business

There's something funny going on in our schools.

People won't talk about it, but it's going on behind the scenes. Essential educational personnel are fiddling with the infrastructure that supports our innocent children, poisoning them in the process.

Sinister forces are at work, and our tax dollars are paying for them. We need to expose what's going on, we need to pass laws banning these activities, we need to free our children from this oppression.

They say it's just a tool for improving our schools. They say it works to improve student participation and performance. But we know that this is just evil spin, that it is part of a plot to destroy our schools, our children, our country.

You know what I'm talking about. The maintenance department uses Monkey wrenches. The plumbers may tell you that this isn't exactly right, that they actually use pipe wrenches. But you and I know that these are the same thing. Do not be fooled!

Monkeys, as we all know, defecate. Using these tools on the plumbing pollutes the drinking water. Water is life. The dear children who drink this water will get sick. Worse, they may even come to appreciate the taste of polluted water. They could bring it home and introduce it to their parents. In fact, some already have.

We parents aren't having it. We are fighting back.

Monkeys shouldn't even have wrenches, much less be involved in our plumbing. We propose laws to outlaw them and their filthy tools in our schools.

Can you imagine that some parents vote for school board members and politicians who are not angered by this development? You must not be among them. You need to vote for people who know that Monkey wrenches have no place in our schools, who promise to throw them out and replace them with proper wrenches. 

Some people have suggested using Crescent wrenches instead, but we know this is part of another dangerous trend to introduce Sharia law. Our people will let you know which are the approved tools. True freedom depends using our approved tools and not those from supposed experts, who have little sense of outrage.

Perhaps you thought I was talking about CRT, but we replaced those bloated old computer monitors long ago.